Woke up this morning to find an express parcel at my door step. Apparently it had arrived from Halifax, Canada last night and was then delivered by jet ski to my mansion. The label said "Top Secret" in pink ink and I immediately sacrificed one of my bodyguards, Paul, by ordering him to open the parcel. I'd recognise that ink anywhere; it's the trade mark of an old enemy of mine, Prince Sawdust. Since he is known for placing home-made bombs in correspondence letters as a prank, I knew I should stay well away.
Paul never got to celebrate his 25th birthday.
Then again, never did I, but that was because I was travelling to Samoa to save a band of monkeys from being shipped to Arizona for nuclear testing.
Anyway, the parcel from Prince Sawdust seemed to contain nothing but a pair of his old pants. Another popular prank of his. Fortunately, I know all of his tricks (he is in fact very predictable), and by using my underground lab I managed to extract the essence he had wanted me to find in the first place.
Let's just say we have a love/hate relationship. Luckily for me, this time he loved me.
He had sent me a microfilm which required me to turn on my super secret film projector two hundred yards beneath my mansion. In case you were wondering, it's in a specially designed room in my basement. I also keep my vicious fighting poodles there, where they are being trained by Oleg Travinsky, my rather flamboyant but strict Ukrainian dog obedience trainer and gourmet chef, twice a fortnight (just as he has recovered from last session's wounds).
The microfilm showed me plans for destroying the Taj Mahal, which would make the Indians turn ape, and rightfully so.
More to follow...
Friday, 11 January 2008
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